Hej the flat I was going yo get I didn’t, I’m so sad and disappointed and scared I put all my cards into it I said no to everything else. John is out if the hospital, I haven’t take drugs for a while and sitting here don’t know what to do. They calling on me do bad but I know they only make me psykotic and weird but its what I have done for so many years I don’t really know anything else. I have thought about asking for help. Get locked inside for a while get some things going, training, yoga, meditation, writing, everything I can do when I’m not having it dhut and gave a stsbild surrounding a safe place. I need to ask for help it it will never be ok, I will contact my psychiatrist tomorrow and my contact person. Because this will be my death in one way or another and I’m not ready yo leave earth yet, although I think about It a lot. Like it’s my only chance of gave it hood us to take that od. I need help, I figure it out by writing this right now, the words just came flowing. Fuck….